Spring Report from the the House and the Pond

     “Got any action, sweetie?”  I called to our little black and white cat who was sitting in the new high grass on the hill, waiting for a gopher.  My  husband and I were walking our dog Nugget around the pond, and as we topped the rise, I saw that a young fisherman was answering my question!  When he saw his mistake, he laughed and turned away.  This time I pointed my question to him, but his cheerful answer was blown away by the breeze.  Lew and Nugget and I stepped around the young man’s tackle box and his gas station cup of coffee and continued to the other side of the pond. 

     The ducks know it’s spring, males chasing females and males, no matter.  Six grackles are surveying the pond’s trees for a possible home — one of them is surely the grackle that has visited our pond every spring for the past five years.  The grackles are blackbirds with long rudder- like tails, and they call like mockingbirds, imitating every sound around them…chirps, whistles, and odd little notes that definitely get attention.  My favorite is when they sound like they are calling for dogs, with long beckoning whistles.

     Overhead a huge-winged bird — a heron? — is flying very high and very fast to the south.  It probably caught a good tail wind.   The pond’s pump has been cleaned up and repaired, and the pond is rising nicely with a good new flow of water from the creek.

     As Lew and I finish our circle of the pond and step into the yard, we see that Sweetie the cat has given up on her gopher, and lies on the woodpile under the front windows.  Lew opens the door and cat, dog and I step into a warm house smelling of the morning’s waffles.  Through the windows I can see the deep purple of the irises in the back garden.  Three orange poppies are up, signaling a sea of orange to come.  Plants that have appeared dead over the winter are pushing out leaves.  Nothing extravagant, but just enough to say they are here for the long haul.  Weeding awaits, but writing comes first.  The grasses are flowering, too, and it is their time to shine.  All week long, big fat white clouds have been sailing overhead.  It’s still cold — I’m finding I’m dressing for spring a little prematurely.

     But spring is definitely here, with its beautiful, deep promise of another year of new life.  One can’t help but look ahead.

Categories: Animals, Gardening, Home, Journaling, Nature | Leave a comment

Another Three Years

     It’s been lovely to have this week off.  I got some distance from the job and am planning a new way of keeping a planbook at work — more of a journal, a record book with photos and pictures from the kids.  I’ll have the kids start journaling every morning as well.  We’re going to do an evening of monologues at a local theatre that I perform in May 15, and so we’ll be rehearsing everything from Shakespeare to Robert Louis StevImageenson to Casey at the Bat and a terrific Barbie monologue I found on the internet.  (Yay, internet, miraculous source of instant knowledge and access!).  I’ll have the kids keep a journal of their preparation process for the monologues.  So I get to bring my acting life into my work, which is always fun.

     I hope this is my last year in fourth grade.  I’ll find out this week when we get our teaching assignments for next year.  I should be moving into a new team — fifth grade – which I am very familiar with.  They are good people and we all get along really well.   It will be a relief to be in a good team again. 

     I started therapy about a month ago and I love it.  I’ve been talking about some of the ways I approach my job so that the stress just feels unbearable, and there are different mindsets I can move to to change this.

     I’m also in rehearsal for Other Desert Cities.  I play Silda, the truth teller and recovering alcoholic of the family.  Big family secrets are revealed in this family drama that pulls in politics and Hollywood.  I’m especially excited to work with the young woman who plays my neice.  She is new to me and really responsible in her approach to the work — and really very good in this role.  She is someone I can learn things from.

     My garden is overrun with weeds and yet the deep purple irises are blooming everywhere.  The orange poppies aren’t quite ready yet.  A couple of lavender bushes have survived the winter beautifully, and the rose bushes are thick with new leaves.  The clouds have been scudding overhead all week, signalling change, signalling spring.  It’s supposed to rain hard tonight.  I hope I wake to hear it.

     We have two new chairs in the living room, a big classy leather recliner for mi esposo, and a more mama bear sized one for me, uphostered in a light leaf pattern.  It’s beautiful.  The big red chair that my new one has replaced has been sent to the office — a small room that holds two desks, a file cabinet, a computer cabinet with a desktop and printer, a TV, bulletin boards covered with family photos,  white walls covered with show posters, a small bookcase with photos of mom and a photo of me and the cast from Vagina Monologues in frames — and now the oversize red paisley chair with ottomon.  It’s just the best, comfiest place to work or relax.  The two windows open up to the sky and the backyard.

     I’m back to work on Monday, and I feel ready.  The photo is of the redwoods from Butaro State Park on the northern California coast.  My daughter and I visited there this week.  It was good to see her, too.  She is 26 and such a wonderful person.  She deserves to have the best partner ever.  She has just pulled out of the second of two long term relationships that ended — they actually overlapped.  She hasn’t found the right one yet.  More than anything, I want her to find the person she deserves.  It’s tough to be lonely and single.  She has become the lead singer in a bluegrass band she and a girlfriend put together, though, and this gives her joy, and me, too.  I really wanted her to return to her art or her music.  And music it is!  She’s returned to taking clarinet lessons, too,  She played clarinet, trombone and trumpet in band.  She is still in the process of finding fulfillment, and so am I.  And on it goes!

Categories: Acting, education, Family, Home, Journaling, Teaching, The Working World, Theatre | Leave a comment

Tradition, Chili, Monopoly and Mom

Tradition, Chili, Monopoly and Mom

On Christmas Eve, my mother made chili – three pots – no meat, no beans, and one with spaghetti, Texas style. Nowadays, I remember Mom with much love, but truly, she had a lot of guilt to work off. It worked, too, Mom’s creation of a big memory to overshadow the countless dark ones, because here I am making the traditional Coming of Christ Chili with a warm heart. My one pot of chili shows economy of effort and my own preferences: no meat, no spaghetti, hot cornbread and milk. We speak of Mom as we pull the ingredients from the cupboard…such as how she made three pots of chili. My husband remarks on her patience and her kindness, and I consider this as I might consider a striking rock found in the backyard, something too beautiful for the rocky clay hill. But then, that’s how I remember mom. The good memories are few and bright, powerful in an otherwise grey and pitted landscape.
Mom didn’t like games and didn’t like cards, and neither do I. She preferred to read, to watch movies, buy clothes, go to the beach, to drink. To drink always. And when her body could no longer take the abuse of alcohol, she got high on prescription drugs. So she was a mother who was our wayward child. We took care of her. Sometimes lovingly, sometimes grudgingly. And sometimes we ignored her.
But there were these times when her simple, sweet, sober self shone through with an unselfconscious confidence, a gentleness, and these are the moments that I want to recreate when I make my own pot of chili, which doesn’t really come close to the generosity of her three pots to please the tastes of everyone. And so I continue a tradition borne out of Mom’s sobriety (I think). The Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval definition of tradition (and mine) maintains that tradition is originally infused with love. It is simple and personal and simple and borne out of ideas from home. It carries the memories of those who originate it, and expands the souls of those who participate. Traditions bend us – ahem, bind us — to each other, for better or worse. And I really like the musical, “Fiddler on the Roof,” which has the song called “Tradition.” A good shimmy, arms up, around the kitchen, and a pot boiling on the stove. Tradition.
But where was I? I was saying that I didn’t like games much, even though I made a good effort when my daughter was in grade school to be the good mother with a games cupboard. However, mostly the games remained untouched. The cupboard spoke well of us, though. I remember an 80s era encounter- type board game that I played with my new husband’s family. His mother picked up the board and threw it across the room. A woman after my own heart. I did enjoy playing a certain word game that involved spelling during college. When I was loaded. Then I stopped smoking dope and stopped playing the game. My deep powers of concentration and ability to be amused by nothing dried up with the last puff. But so did the paranoia, currently known as anxiety. That was alright by me.
But on this Christmas Eve, while the chili was simmering in memory of a mother who was nothing if not a tangle of contradictions, my 26 year old daughter asked if we had any games to play. I turned from the stove startled, as if I had witnessed a sudden snow flurry on an otherwise sunny day. Perhaps the second hand even slowed for a bit on the clock in the back room, the one with the hands and numbers, the one that ticks too loudly. And then time rushed in to fill the vacuum and we were all moving down the hall to the closet, peering up onto the shelf piled with a jumble of old letters sorted into bags and boxes, stage makeup and costume jewelry, and old games from my husband’s life with his own kids years ago in Mountain View. There were old packs of cards illustrated with greying gilt-edged landscapes, a falling apart Connect Four, checkers, a 100 piece jigsaw of a Labrador retriever puppy in a basket, and then, and then…
… the Monopoly game. The game that inspires hope and dread at the same time. (THE FOLLOWING HAS THE DRAMA OF A DREAM SEQUENCE, HENCE THE PRESENT TENSE SHIFT) We take it down from the shelf, my daughter and her friend from work and I, and carry the crumbling box to the dining room table.
We lay out the game. Because the game is maybe 25 years old and has been used by my husband’s children, it feels like we are opening a diary, or a child’s old treasure box. Everything has been touched by children of another generation, and by my husband as a much younger man.
There are only 2 game pieces left – the hat and the shoe – so we pull out a dark chocolate wafer from the little brown Columbia Candy Kitchen bag as a third game piece. We lay the top of the box aside carefully. It is taped at the corners with masking tape decade old, and even the tape is crumbled. The original $100 bills have all been replaced with little rectangles of yellow legal pad paper – 100 is written on each in blue ballpoint pen. All the rest of the paper money curls up at the ends, with small rips from excessive counting, and the board has collected dirt in the crease which is also shredding to expose the darker cardboard beneath. An archaeologist’s dream. Some child, now an adult with children of their own, has left a scribble of pencil on the game board.
The community chest cards are faded to the color of mustard, and the chance cards are bowed and watermarked. I shake my head and return to the stove to stir. When I return I see that there is only one die which has completely yellowed. I offer to find another one somewhere when my daughter’s friend chirps that she has downloaded a free dice app on her iPhone, and we are good to go! She lays her phone on the center of a game board that never knew a computer at its inception. The two young women encourage me to touch the screen (do not be afraid of the futuristic device), and two graphics of the dice “turn” to the sound of tiny horses galloping. The dice disappear and then reappear with a new array of dots!
We play for 45 minutes, bored after 10 minutes, but happy in the familiarity of Ventnor Avenue, New York Avenue, Boardwalk and the Electric Company. We sip at a Wal Mart’s $2 bottle of Oak Leaf Vineyards Pinot Grigio, from Livermore and Ripon, and listen to Christmas music on Sirius SM, emanating from the black flat screen TV. My daughter finally gets a Monopoly at the time the chili is ready. I gently lift the game to set the table, game pieces balanced on their squares, money stacked for each player, and lay it on the desk in the back room, as if we are seriously planning on finishing the game. We never do.

Categories: Family, Home, Humor, Journaling | 1 Comment

Nugget: 13 years old

Nugget:  13 years old

I took a walk with Nugget today to the post office. It was out of the routine for him, and he scampered out of his bed, hips sliding downward a bit, excited to get out. We walked up and into the afternoon sunshine in the quiet time of day.
My husband and Nugget and I just got back from the Bay Area today. It will be our last trip to the ear doctor there. The operation that I had back in October to improve my hearing didn’t work, and even left things a little worse. I have constant loud hiss in my right ear now, but I imagine myself near a waterfall, and most of the time I can forget it.
So I got home and made an appointment to get a hearing aide that will sit in my outer ear, since the “innies” are irritating. At this point, I just want to be able to sit in a room and not get exhausted trying to hear.
Yesterday, two students were taken out of a coteacher’s room and put in mine. Lack of confidence. One of the kids’ mom is another teacher at the school. The coteacher is not talking to me now, and I feel others are falling in line behind.
Things couldn’t get much worse on the job. Boy, do I ever want to run away.
Instead, Nugget and I went to the post office.

Categories: Teaching | Tags: | 6 Comments

Teacher Confessional

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.  I have been a yeller.  I have been rude to a child today.  I did not take time to help a child who really needed it today.  I made a child sad today.  I disappointed a child today.  I made a child cry today.  I did not make my lesson fun or even remotely interesting today.  I was crabby today.  I was too harsh with a child today.  I did not teach my lesson adequately today.  I am not keeping up with all the technology I have been given.  I am not mastering it.  I resent the extra work and increased expectations of the three year science grant I joined to become a better science teacher.  I gossiped about coworkers today. ”

I gossiped with coworkers today after a demanding teaching day. We were bonding; this was a group I didn’t normally associate with, but we had common “enemies.” We were on a self-righteous high. Feeling good.

But I changed the atmosphere when I asked why a teacher was fired many years ago. 

“She was a yeller,”  came the answer.

Uh.  Drop in my stomach.  I have been guilty of as much.  I was guilty of it when I started my job in special education at my current school back in ’99.  I didn’t want to teach special education anymore, but it’s all that was available.  I took it in hopes I could eventually get into regular education.  Too many students.  Too many behavior problems.  Too many expectations and too much paperwork.  I thought if I was loud enough at something, it would take care of it.

These are not excuses.  There are no excuses.  But it has been my nature to come out fighting if I felt I was backed into a corner.   And sometimes I just felt that way in the classroom.

The worst part about yelling was how terrible it made me feel.  The minute I went into that mode, I knew I had lost.  It’s certainly a defeatist position, and abusive.

And I worked on this.  Over the years I gained confidence, maturity, good classroom management skills, a sense of my own value in the classroom.  I became more comfortable, not so defensive. 

I am not a yeller anymore.  I can get results by slowing down, breathing, using the management tools I’ve set up, and a sense of I’ve seen this before, I’ve been through this before, and there are solutions, and things will change, and it’s all alright.

And in that room of self-righteous gossip on a dismal, deeply foggy Friday afternoon at 4 p.m., I spoke up.

“I was a yeller.”

Silence from the other teachers.

“But I’ve gotten better.  I’m good now.”  I made a comical face and grabbed the desk as if trying to contain rage.  Laughter.  Thank. God.

Someone said I was reflective, though, that was the difference, meaning I could change my own behavior.  And then the other two started talking about how everyone has their moments, etc., etc.

But it was still uncomfortable for me, which is why I’m writing this now.  What’s my point here?

Teachers are so isolated, or rather, let me say, that’s been my experience.  I’m teaching fourth grade now and I love it.  I love the age, I love the curriculum, especially the teaching of expository writing and narrative.  But, may I be frank?  I work with two of the worst teachers on campus.  One of them, I found out today, came to teaching after being fired from a string of jobs.  The other has no sensibility for the job.  Both seem to have real social deficits.  Back to this isolation thing.  I interact with them as little as possible.  One of them I tried to develop a working relationship with and gave up after a year and a half of utter frustration.  The other is too defensive to work in a team.

It’s a little better since I stopped putting energy into trying to work as a team with the especially toxic one, and I am not exaggerating when I use the word toxic.  The other one is not anyone I would personally want to know.  Period.

So, I work from a sense of protecting myself from … other teachers I can’t stand.  I tell myself I love my fourth graders and that’s all that matters.  But it’s not.  I am isolated.

Until I got with this new group this afternoon and started gossiping and bonding over it.

I realized I could just as easily be gossiped about.  For being a yeller when I first got hired here.  But that is not who I am now.  I am a good teacher, sometimes even inspired.  I care about kids.  I care about teaching to differences.  I care about kids’ self-esteem.  I care about my job, and doing it well.

But I am isolated and lonely in my school.  Discouraged because of the caliber of people I am working with.  Disappointed in my school and the administration that allow these kinds of people to work in the classroom unchecked.

Disappointed in the inadequacy of education and preparation teachers get for the job.  Disappointed in the lack of good mentoring and development of new teachers.

Let ‘em yell.  What the hell.  Then fire ‘em.  The worst teachers I’ve ever met, who I have contact with everyday, are not yellers. 

Lately I’ve been having this fantasy of going back to the days of the open classroom (oh, noisy chaos, I know!  What am I saying?) when I could look up and out and across a big space and see a best friend teacher from another grade, and smile, or wink, or wave, or roll eyes, or whatever — anything to keep you going in a positive way at the point when you feel the most tired and the most alone.  I fantasize about going into the staffroom and seeing half hour meetings posted for after the kids go home:

Room 1:  Crabbiness Decompression.  Get a boost for tomorrow.

Room 2:  The power of teaching through relationship to your students.

Room 3:  Sharing about yourself on the job today, only.  Positive. Negative.  Bring it, but don’t brag and bore.  Just share briefly.

Room 4:  Tea at 4 p.m.  Roundtable compliments for one another.  Bring it.  For those who’ve felt invisible for a little too long.

Room 5:  Weekly book group on book on education.

Room 6:  Discuss:  How do we acknowledge each other and support each other without that tired Teacher of the Year Award?  Where there’s a winner, there’s a loser.  Why we shouldn’t use systems for each other that we wouldn’t use in the classroom with our children.  (Can you imagine having ONE award in your classroom at the end of the year called Student of the Year?  Man!)

Room 7:  Men only.  They deserve it.

Room 8:  Meditation/Relaxation/Yoga

Room 9:  Walking and Breathing

Room 10:  Writing Group

This is where I’m supposed to sum up, I guess.  My conclusion?  I don’t know.    I’ve forgotten. But I feel better. Oh… one more workshop idea:

Room 11: Finding your marbles.

 

 

 

Categories: Teaching | 1 Comment

Ghosts All Gone

Today was New Year’s Day,
and so I finally did it.
I left the post office parking lot,
crossed the street and went down the driveway
I haven’t driven down
in a couple years.
Mom, I don’t even remember when you died,
except that it was in the summer, in July..
July 17.

I drove into the parking lot
of the old hospital, deserted now,
and parked outside your window,
and I had to think about that.
Was it the first window, or the second?

The blinds were closed, the rose bush barren.
I drank my short decaf latte, and finished
my sandwich.
Nothing. I felt nothing.
It was a beautiful day. There were cars
in the lot.
In the lot of the old hospital, long empty.
Why?

So I backed out and went to the far end of the lot
where I used to wheel you into a garden,
past the elder day care,
and you needed much more care than they could offer.
I wheeled you over the sidewalk pushed up by tree roots,
past the old, old rose bushes
which bloomed fat in many colors,
fat and wide and unspeakably beautiful
for no audience.
I wheeled you into the deep shade of ancient trees,
where sometimes you would drowse.
I wheeled you around the corner and into the back garden,
where gnarled, knotted grape vines grew in a memorial
for Mary Wright, 1989,
where the persimmon tree grew beautiful orange fruit
in the fall, and the old trees and hedges
in the flower bed flowered with offerings, and
I would pick one and hand it to you,
and you would worry it on your lap,
or I would pull a branch down under your nose
so you could smell the scent of the flower on the branch,
but I don’t think you could sniff anymore –
then on through the sticky gate into the interior garden,
the secret garden,
messy with bushes and tall shade trees,
more heavy roots rising to the surface of the old lawn
deep with shade in the hot summer.
Yellow socks of flax seed hung for the
finches, and if we were lucky,
we could see them flitting and eating,
dropping seed with abandon,
hovering in the safety of the garden
of old people waiting for their time.

More than once we startled a stray cat there,
terrible opportunist at the gentle finches’
gathering place.
Terrible reminder, that.

Some of the ancient trees were gone,
or grown so thin with loss of
leaves this time of year, I couldn’t tell.
The rose bushes were gone, clean gone,
no mistake there.
Someone had pulled out the persimmon tree,
someone had cut down the grape branches which
wound like knobby veins in the faded arbor.

They had been doing some construction
back there — a sidewalk looked new,
but the places where the old roses used to grow,
where the persimmon branches bent low
with their soft and orange weight,
year after year,
these empty beds
looked obscene.

Even the ghosts had fled.
The ghost of you, the ghosts of all of you,
in your rooms of one,
and two,
and four.
The ghosts of the roses,
the persimmons, the grapes,
all gone.

I went back to my car,
and drove slowly out of the parking lot,
the last ghost to go.

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Categories: Death, Family, Poetry | 2 Comments

Where I Sit

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Categories: Journaling, Writing | Leave a comment

Christmas Letter, 2012, Little Pond, Big Pond

Christmas Letter, 2012, Little Pond, Big Pond

Dear Family and Friends, December 29, 2012

Only the most current Christmas ornaments went on the tree this year, so there were only about eight. It was not a decision we made, but it was what came to be. My sister made three ornaments of Nugget. She made a color copy of his head, and encircled it with a halo of silver metal pipe cleaner. Then she made the Nugget body and tail with very fluffy brown pipe cleaners. And what is an aging labrador retriever anyway, if not an angel? At Mountain Books I found a tiny wooden plaque on which was painted St. Roch, Patron Saint of Dogs. I hung that near the top. Then, a large candy cane, then, a candy cane made from colored beads by one of my students. An ornament from my stepmom, a dreamcatcher for catching good dreams and releasing the bad ones. Finally, a plaid Christmas ribbon tied in a bow around a branch. It was nice to have each ornament receive its due, framed as they were by plenty of little white lights. I feel a little wistful when I pass the box of ornaments from Christmas Past still sitting on the cold garage floor, but not enough to unpack it. What does this say about me? I’d rather not say. But it might explain the lateness of this letter, since the letter ordinarily coincides with the decorating of the tree.

I can be forgiven a few ornaments when you consider the frontiers I crossed this year… technology (iPad and iPod – my fingers are like little magic wands creating intended and unintended spells), gardening (my nonjudgmental friend Google helped me divide the irises) , traveling across the Atlantic, surgery to improve my hearing. We’ll get the obligatory medical stuff out of the way right here. I got a tiny titanium prosthesis to replace one of my inner ear bones in October. I’ll know in February or March the full extent of improvement, but as for now I’m still saying “What?” quite a bit.
But back in April, an opportunity finally presented itself: an August writing workshop in Scotland! Tonya booked us tickets. I was finally going to Europe. The days were filled with planning, and searching for 3.4 oz. bottles.

We landed in London in the midst of the Olympics. Officials waited at the airport, holding their signs for their teams from around the world. The Russians, in their red and white uniforms, rode their bicycles through the city. Tonya and I tramped through the city by day, to the Globe; to the Palace to see the Queen’s collection of original drawings by DaVinci; to the Tate Modern where we viewed Edvard Munsch , Picasso, Man Ray, Salvadore Dali, Max Ernst, and Paul Klee; to Brown’s Hotel for high tea with champagne and cucumber and water cress sandwiches; to the outdoor stalls at Covent Garden and the Borough Market, to Westminster Cathedral, to the London and Tower Bridges, to exquisite fish and chips at Geales. We boarded the London Eye and rose into the sky above the Thames, the Parliament Buildings, the Olympic beach volleyball court. At night actual Olympic footage was projected onto the Parliament Buildings – imagine a giant Olympic bicyclist traveling blocks in a second! The Olympic Rings hung over the Thames, representing the five colors found in the flags of the nations of the world. The British were practically popping their buttons as their Olympians started to bring in the gold for the heptathlon, the 10,000 meter race with Mo Farah!, and the long jump. Exhausted at the end of a day of sightseeing, Tonya and I collapsed onto our lumpy bed in our tiny hotel room to watch the Olympics on TV. But there was an electric kettle and teabags and biscuits waiting for us, and truly, tea at the end of every day made everything all right!

And don’t think we went to London without seeing a show! Two, in fact. At the Haymarket we saw One Man, Two Guvnahs in the vertigo seats of the upper circle. It was brilliantly acted in the commedia del arte style, with fine physical comedy and melodrama. Truly funny! We saw Singin’ in the Rain at the Palace Theatre, which was mostly forgettable (I’m just too spoiled by the movie), except for the magical dance number in the rain. The actor did a beautiful tap routine on the wet stage – yes! the rain really came down on the stage, and the whole intermission was spent mopping up for the second act – and unbelievably, he kicked gracefully and powerfully at the water to send a gorgeous spray of water into the first rows! Everyone shrieked and clapped, especially since London was experiencing temperatures into the 80s during the time we were there. Never once opened an umbrella in England.

Tonya and I spent most of our nights in Brighton, however — a seaside town on the English Channel with an ever present soundtrack of seagulls. Here it was slower, and sweeter. We went to Bill’s for breakfast most mornings. The typical breakfast was tea, toast the size of Texas toast, scrambled eggs and fried tomatoes served with beans or mushrooms. We walked the pier and wondered at the rounded red stones of the beach. We attended a Jamie Oliver cooking class instructed by a wonderful East Indian chef who taught us to make homemade pasta: bowties, ribbons, linguini, spaghetti, and angel hair linguini. We took a day trip to Rye, another coastal village full of charm, narrow streets, bricky buildings and churches. Rye is where we had our first cream tea – tea and scones traditionally served with clotted cream and jam, but we were served whipped cream. We were lucky to arrive on a day the local businesses were having silly raft races in the river, and I was reminded of Monty Python!

After a week, Tonya flew back home, and I went on to a Scottish island, by taxi, train, train again, ferry, bus , and a final walk up a leafy lane that opened onto the green grounds of the smallest cathedral in the British Isles. I settled into a room named Peace, with an electric teakettle and biscuits. For a week I did nothing but write and read out with a writing group every morning, every evening, and some afternoons. I wrote in my room, in the library, in the dining room, outside. I walked over the island, along the beach and over the hills and through the farms, walked past the rabbits, swans, sheep, cows, horses, sat and gazed over the ocean and out at the other islands. Here, the weather seemed more typical to me; the rain fell for an hour at a time at any time of day or night. One day the weather cooperated enough for a short boat trip to Wee Cumbrae, a tiny island with a tiny castle and a lighthouse that had to be relocated when it could not be seen by the ships. On our boat was a little terrier pup named Doogie who was excited to be visiting his brothers and father on Wee Cumbrae. When we docked, four short-legged terriers, all a cross between the cairn terrier and the Jack Russell, greeted us long and boisterously. They were so happy to be reunited with Doogie and to have visitors on their island. The oldest pup, the dad or granddad of Doogie, with grizzled grey eyebrows and mustache, came along with me and a couple of friends, up a long, gentle path into dripping ferns and to a great flowering tree which grew in the nesting grounds of the seagulls. When we stopped for lunch, he nestled into a soft purple patch of heather atop a rock. I joined him there and shared a little of my food, which he happily accepted as payment for his services as guide. A couple hours later, when we got back into our little boat to return to Great Cumbrae, the four terriers appeared dejected to see us go and to have to say goodby to Doogie. At a loss, they huddled together quietly and looked forlornly into the face of their keeper, who patted their heads and comforted them. It could be another two weeks before a boat came out again.

And because who knew when I would be returning to the British Isles, I flew home first class! I was pampered and comfortable in a cubicle in the center aisle, and spent the first few hours writing in my journal on a very spacious pull-out table, drinking champagne and nibbling on delicious things until I completely forgot I was in the air. I finally came to my plebian senses when I saw a porthole window near the kitchen. I dragged myself out of my lounge chair to peer out. I was rewarded richly by what I saw! I’m not sure if I was over Canada, Iceland or Greenland, but I was gazing down at a virtual land of lakes. As far as the eye could see, there was green tundra reflecting back the sun in a thousand lakes and twisting rivers. I marveled at it until it was time to choose between a California, French or Spanish wine. I chose Spanish, and was again richly rewarded. Delicious.

The whole thing, the whole fifteen days of England and Scotland were delicious, right down to the train window views of small, green farms with round bales of hay, and cricket games played by men in immaculate white uniforms. Even my short stopover in Glasgow was delicious with its promenades and squares, with its outdoor flea market winding down a narrow alley, turning corners, passing a pub, and ending abruptly at a wide sidewalk on a busy street. I felt like Alice falling down the rabbit hole!

On the home front, in our own humble Sierra Nevada foothills, Sweetie’s marvelously elastic metabolism has made her fat for the winter. She is still our grateful, affectionate friend, her early beginnings as a stray now a distant memory. Daily, Lew and Nugget and I circle the pond to check up on our neighbors, human and fowl. A lone ring neck (highly unusual for it to be sailing solo) has moved in for the winter, and yesterday we spotted the haughty lift of the grebe’s long beak as it paddled along looking for a meal. Kingfisher is here again, making its black and white swoops from tree to water, but egret, the old fisherman, has left. And under cold, gunmetal grey skies, poppy greens are pushing up thickly between the rocks of our garden, promising a massive orange display come spring! Hallelujah! The world speeds to a new year, plants sleep only to rise again. Faith, faith!

Categories: Family, Great Britain, Home, Journaling, Nature, Theatre, Travel, Writing | Leave a comment

Thursday after Christmas, 2012, from Ashley’s Cafe

Toy Boat

Luca

Green Apple Books

Flowers

Ashley's Cafe

Thursday after Christmas, 2012

Dear Family and Friends,

   I’m sitting in Ashley’s Cafe in the Richmond, in San Francisco.  This is my daughter
Tonya’s neighborhood and she’s off to work for a few hours at Give2Asia.  She
works with the CFO in accepting donations and dispensing money throughout Asia
for worthy causes and disaster relief.  She ferries me around the city, driving
in her aggressive city style, parallel parking in a snap.  I stare out the
window like a kid in a candy shop although Tonya’s dad and I lived  here for
twelve years in the 80s and early 90s, raising Tonya in the bookstores, cafes
and playgrounds of the City by the Bay.  At that time we lived in the lower
Haight, and then Hayes Valley which is now too chichi for words.  The Sunset and
Richmond districts were far away foggy neighborhoods that we didn’t visit much,
so now I am really enjoying Tonya’s area.  The stores display their produce and
goods on the sidewalk and  there’s a cafe or bakery on every block.  Best of all
is the Green Apple Bookstore on 7th and Clement which is a fantastic bookstore
hailing itself as a “music and fiction center.”

    On this cool, sunny morning I am certainly not in Kansas anymore, although there is a little Toto
dog temporarily residing at Tonya’s apartment.  Toto is really a fluffy little
Pomeranian named Luca.  One of Tonya’s roommates is dogsitting while the owners
are in Shanghai.  Generally, I am not one for precious little dogs, but Luca
is…I’ll say it…special.  Really.  He is enormously friendly, and an
excellent listener.  He greets everyone like a long lost friend as they enter
the door.  His eyes are very expressive and he has a very nice smile.  He even
cocks his head as if translating English to dog inside his little dome head.  I
understand he normally spends a lot of time alone, and this is a shame because
clearly Luca is a people person, uh, dog.

    Lew and I had the good fortune to have Tonya and one of her co-workers stay with us for Christmas. (Heima works in Programs at Give2Asia having spent quite some time working in China while
living with the farmers…so she has knowledge of local Chinese agencies who
need grant money.)  We spent a typical — for us– holiday together:  cooking,
eating, hanging out at home, opening presents, listening to holiday music on
Sirius XM.  We even pulled out an ancient Monopoly game, at least 25 years old,
which belonged to Lew’s family.  Heima and Tonya started the game while I
finished the salad to go with the Christmas Eve chili, which included everything
from raisins to cinnamon to cumin.  Just one pot…my mom used to make three
different pots of chili on Christmas Eve — one without meat for the
vegetarians,  one without beans for my sister Kelly,  and the third with
spaghetti in it for all the rest of us.  So the Christmas Eve chili has become a
tradition.

    So this Monopoly game has some history on it.  The box it came
in was tattered, repaired with old masking tape on the corners.  There were only
2 game pieces left, the shoe and the hat.  All the $100 bills were gone,
replaced by bills made out of yellow legal pad paper.  The gameboard had dirt in
its fold and a pencil scribble.  All the game cards were bowed and creased.  The
dingy mustard colored and orange community chest and chance cards had water
spots spreading from the edges.  Only one die was left, discolored to a weird
orange, so Heima found a free dice app on her iPhone, and we tapped the screen
to make the little dice images jump, accompanied by dice sound effects…kind of
like the sound of tiny horses running rapidly down a street. The game started
slowly.  It took 45 minutes for Tonya to finally get a Monopoly and purchase a
few houses.  Thank goodness we were all old enough to count out our money
quickly to prevent the game from dragging further!  But we had a good time
drinking the $2 WalMart Oak Leaf Vineyard Pinot Grigiot from Livermore and
Ripon.  I also won the pot at Free Parking.  Not a bad night.

    After opening presents the next morning, we dove into preparing our Christmas Day
lunch:  latkes with zucchini (Tonya’s grandmother’s way of preparing the potato
pancakes) with local Cover’s applesauce, and matzah ball soup.  We lit the
menorah and Tonya said the blessing.  We celebrated Hanukah all the while Tonya
was growing up, and so now we continue to celebrate whenever we are all
together.  When she was a little girl, she would sing the Hanukah song and clap
her hands, standing on a dining room chair while the candles burned behind her
on the table in the darkened room, backlighting her beautiful fluffy hair.  Now
she knows the blessing by heart, in Hebrew, and it is beautiful to hear her
recite it. Between the three of us, Tonya and Heima and I, we produced
the meal in under an hour.  Lew joined us, and we held hands for a moment to
treasure the moment of togetherness and bounty.  Of course, everything tasted so
good! Mimosas with excellent champagne didn’t hurt, either.  After the meal,
Lew settled down to watch a game, and we went off to see Les Miserables.  It was
magnificent.  And then the rain came down! 

    The next morning we woke up to a dusting of snow, and it continued to snow and sleet as we walked Nugget
around the pond.  (Nugget had a little problem figuring out when Christmas Day
actually WAS, and we had to pull him off of the presents several times before
Tuesday morning.  I got a pair of garden gloves from Lew early this year,
courtesy of Nugget’s gift opening.  We finally remembered about Nugget’s gold
ribbon Christmas collar from Lou Kimmick decades ago, and when we added the
Christmas kerchief from my sister Lisa, Nugget knew the day had arrived.  Then
there was no stopping him, and we gave him Sweetie’s presents to open, since she
was too busy ignoring the catnip and snoozing on the ottoman, or running in and
out of the cat door.)  Grebe, with his long fishing beak tilted up to get a good
look at the surface of the pond, had arrived, as had kingfisher.  The local
ducks with their noisy, bossy farm goose were enervated in the downpour, and the
mudhens uncharacteristically clustered together up on the bank.  A lone
ringneck, who has been here since late fall, swam around unperturbed.  Lew was
patient with  me as I took pictures of us under the umbrella, and Nugget stood
to the side, ears drooping.  He is less fond of wet weather as he gets
older.
   

It is midmorning at Ashley’s Cafe now, and I’m on a decaf latte. Families are bringing their little children in.  A mom and her three yearold are
here with the grandparents, and the mom, in modern “momspeak,” tells her father,
“Wow!  That was a good choice.”  A father enters with his little 4 year old
girl.  She could beTonya 22 years ago, tousle-haired, naked Barbie in hand,
chirping in a high-pitched voice as her father tries to convince her to go to
the park with him.  They are gone now, but I am still left with memories of
raising a little girl in this big city.  I  have an audiotape of Tonya talking
when she was 3 or 4 and it is one of my most valuable possessions, since it was
effort enough to take pictures, let along videos!

    As for recent news:  I didn’t do a show this past year, but I’m eager to do one this year so I’ll go
look at some scripts and put in my bid!  I have the classroom from heaven, and am enjoying their sweetness immensely.  I had an operation to improve my hearing
with a titanium earbone prosthesis, but two months out and I’m still not
noticing any improvement.  Back and forth to the doctor I go.  We’ll figure it
out.  He’s as invested in this as I am, at this point.  Lew is feeling good, and
fully recovered from leg pain that he experienced for too long a while.  We are
a family of four — husband, wife, cat and dog, and life is good.  Our eldest
grandson Patrick is close to entering college, and my nephew Sean and
granddaughter Angela are not far behind.  Sean is going to Germany in the spring
as an exchange student!  Loretta and Katy, the granddaughters in middle and high
school, are exceptional students and people, and it is fun to think of how they
will turn the world on its ear.

   I can’t help but think of Sandy Hook this year,  and I will remember the students and staff always.  I am reminded that the world is filled with sadness and beauty.  Technology and the stillness
of nature.  A cafe is like an oasis to slow down in the business of the city. 
Hmmm…time for a bagel?
    Happy Holidays.

Categories: Animals, Family, Food, Holidays, Home, Journaling, Nature, San Francisco | Leave a comment

And Who’s Got MY Back? Monday after Sandy Hook.

We had a lockdown at our school a week and a half ago. A teacher saw a man in camouflage standing at the back fence. Shots were heard:

A stressed voice of a female office worker comes over the intercom: “This is a lockdown. This is a lockdown.” This is not a drill. It is unexpected and alarming, but the kids know what to do because we have practiced this. They go under a table next to a sliding accordian wall that separates us from another classroom. I have chosen this place as our lockdown area because it’s the only place all 25 bodies can fit together and when we’ve rehearsed this previously, and I go outside to peer through the windows into the dark room, I can’t see them, so I assume it’s safe. I hope it’s safe. It’s the best I can do. The kids scuttle under the table and I cross the room to the door to lock it. I cringe from the windows next to the door as I turn out the lights, but now I can’t see my keys (seconds pass). I finally grab what I think is the right key, but now I can’t get it into the key hole. I’ve got to lock this door. I know I can do it quickly from outside, and I take a chance and open the door to lock it. Terrible risk. Done. I shut off the bright SmartBoard. I hustle back to my computer to send in the email to account for everyone in my classroom. I duck my head behind the monitor which shines brightly in my face. Done. I am muttering softly to myself to make sure I get this email out quckly and correctly. Now I need to shut off the monitor. I crawl to the kids and sit close to them. My job now is to keep them quiet and calm.

We are crunched up here for an hour and 10 minutes.  No one comes by to see if the door is locked.  There is one intercom announcement about a half hour in that says they will keep us notified of progress.  But we get no further progress reports.  I see that there are people outside our door.  Policemen, having a casual conversation.  I feel safer because they are there and point this out to the kids.  I remember that there is a special phrase we have to listen for to know if the lockdown is really over, in case the announcer has a gun to her head and is being forced to release us from a lockdown into danger. I crawl back to the windows to get my emergency folder — terrible place to keep it, but it’s perfect for picking up on the way out for a fire drill.  I find the page that tells the exact words that let us know a lockdown is over, and the sentence is so generic it’s no wonder I can’t remember it. I keep the kids silent so I can attend to any signs of danger.  I’m not one to sing songs or play games with the kids during a lockdown, and they know this.  They hunker down.  I sit very close to them.  We hunker down together.  I worry about those damn windows.  With no shades.  Panes of plastic…  I finally hear the correct words that let me know the lockdown is over, that the school is safe, and the kids are hustled to the bathroom and to lunch.

I had heard a rumor that a teacher in the room next door to me tells her kids that the windows are bulletproof.  I find out today, the Monday after Sandy Point, that she actually believes this. I straighten her out about this. I also heard that she had left her door unlocked during the lockdown.  She had taken her kids to the library and not locked her classroom.  This is alarming because we are in a pod of several classrooms that share unlocked accordian walls that can be opened easily.  A shooter would have no problem getting in one door and moving from classroom to classroom.  So I remind her that we all have to lock our doors everytime we leave the classroom, even if it’s just for a few minutes.  She looks startled as if she had not considered this before, and as if it would be a difficult thing to do.  I also heard that a teacher who has a child at the school had the coach enter the child’s classroom and remove the child, presumably so the child could join her.  The sudden opening of the door was frightening to the others waiting out the lockdown.  And presumably this child’s safety was more important than the others’…

And then Sandy Hook happened and it shook me to my core because our school had just been in a lockdown, and because I know what it is like to have to protect 25 children when every second counts and you are frightened, and the children are frightened, and the windows have no shades, and you’ve NEVER been advised as to the safest place in your room to hide those kids (away from the windows is all I’ve ever been told, and that was back in the days when swat teams were organized before entering a campus, and in our county, a swat team organization would take half an hour, oh well, shrug of shoulders), and the most the school has ever done to increase security is give staff useless badges and request that parents get a visitors badge when coming onto campus which makes no sense because the public has complete access to the open campus anyway and who’s going to ask every parent that brings their child to the classroom in the morning to get a badge just for dropping off their child when it would just overwhelm the office.  Oh, and we are now able to lock our doors from the inside except that you can’t tell when the door is locked because the latch swings just as it does when it’s open — you just have to TRUST that it’s locked, so practice, practice, practice which is what I did this morning.  And you have to have a key to lock it.  Which means even if I could crack the accordian wall and crawl to the other classroom to see if the door is locked, I couldn’t lock it anyway.
Oh, I know, whine, whine, whine.  And then Sandy Hook happened and I was devastated.  I imagined the horror and I imagined losing my own students, and I imagined losing my own life.  I read the news accounts carefully, trying to learn what to do if this should ever happen at my school.  I read about staff who went out into the hall to see what was going on.  “Three went out.  One came back.”  Note to self:  Just lock the door.  Just lock the door.  I read about the good teachers who hid their children in bathrooms, storage rooms, closets. They spoke good words to their students to keep them strong.  Think about going home for Christmas.  Let me see that smile.  I have no closets in my room.  The one tiny coat closet for me is filled with an emergency bucket for lockdowns or earthquakes.  Let’s see, there’s water, dehydrated food, and a kind of toilet in the bucket.  But, really, nothing to stop a shooter.  Note to self:  Find a better hiding place for the kids.  Get expert advice, like from the police, on the best place to hide the kids in my room.  I read that a teacher, dear sweet Vicki, got her kids into closets, and then was faced with the killer.  She is our new national hero, the new face of the teacher.  Note to self:  What happened?  He got into her room.  Was the door not locked?  Did he shoot it open?  LOCK THE DOOR FIRST ABOVE ALL ELSE.  LOCK THE DOOR.  PRACTICE UNTIL YOU CAN DO IT IN YOUR SLEEP.

So I am grieving for these teachers and principal and psychologist, and these twenty little children, because this could have been my classroom, my school.  During the weekend I look for an email from my principal for some guidance on how to approach Monday.  Nothing.  I make a decision.  I email my parents and tell them I will begin the day with a brief safe discussion where I can find out what the kids know, what they are thinking, give them some bare bones facts and then try to reassure them that they are safe at school, that school is one of the safest places they can be.  Monday morning, I try to sound utterly convincing, standing in front of the windows, and the eyes of the children all go to the windows, and they know, they know, that bullets go through windows.  Interestingly, the kids talk about gun safety – this is the connection they have made, they know the shooter had a mother who had guns in the house, and they know that unlocked guns are dangerous for children in the house.  They don’t comprehend the shooter as an adult.  So I listen to them as they recite the good lessons their parents have taught them about gun safety.  An astute and intelligent little girl repeats something she might have heard at home — that teachers should have weapons, and I listen and shake my head.  I say, “I don’t know,”  and move on quickly to the next little hand in the air.  (And I think, when that day comes, I will quit.)   Another child says she heard a boy say it was the Sandy Hook’s children’s own fault that they didn’t stay safe.  Good.  Now I know I’m doing the right thing by having this conversation with these little guys.  I vehemently deny this.  It was no one’s fault.  No one’s fault.  No, no, not the children’s fault.  Sometimes bad things happen.  But wonderful things happen, too.  Many more wonderful things than bad things.  The world is full of helpers (words I’ve taken verbatim from family and friends and teachers on Facebook when I post out into the internet, “What do I say to my kids on Monday?”  Mr. Rogers was quoted twice by my friends on FB, and with my kids I use the reassuring words of a man who used to be parodied on Saturday Night Live.)  I have noticed a little girl having a hard time with the discussion –her imagination must be as vivid as mine — and I steer things towards happy thoughts.  We stand in a circle.  We hold hands.  We give hugs.  All day, while we do our schoolwork, we fill a basket with slips of paper on which we’ve written the names of wonderful things, of helping things, of safe things.  MOM.  Dad.  Aunts and Uncles.  School.  Class.  Dogs. Cats.   The kids’ smiles comes back.  They are going lightly through the day now.  They draw pictures on the bricks of the Wonder Wall I have drawn on the whiteboard.  Pictures of things they love.  Uh oh.  One boy has written in the name of a gun. I erase it.  I speak to him.  I can’t deny that sometimes weapons can keep us safe, but today is not the day, today is not the day, and our classroom is not the place…  The kids write and draw inside the bricks:  American Red Cross, American Blue Cross (snicker), Army, Navy, an American flag, MOM, government.

I hugged each child as they came in through the door this morning in true appreciation and gratitude.  I hugged each child as they went home.  It’s safe here, I said.  We had a lockdown last week.  It worked.  We’re safe.  But I don’t believe this.  Not really.

Today my school did not help me.  In my box in the staffroom this morning was a handout from the school counselor saying she would be available for any child.  She included advice on how to approach the topic with kids — nothing I hadn’t learned on my own over the weekend, but I have not heard from or seen the principal all day.  No email.  Unbelievable.  I thought for sure he would call a meeting for after school to say something like, “You all must be feeling pretty sad and vulnerable right now.  This is what we’re doing to help keep us safe at school.”  But no, nothing.  I send him an email asking for a meeting.  I write that Sandy Hook changed everything, and we need to come together.  Finally, an email at the end of the day.  “After the horrific events of Friday some of the staff have requested a meeting.  We will have an optional meeting Wednesday morning at 7:45, and discuss it further at our staff meeting in January.”  I collapse into my chair.  He is giving us 15 minutes to come together.  The message is clear.  He is running away from the issue and is afraid to get us all together and talking.  I am bitterly disappointed in him, and in my school.  I do not feel safe here.

We had a different principal on 9/11, and he never called a meeting of the staff or students on that day, either.  We were all left to navigate the day on our own, and we did, but it felt terribly lonely.  Today felt lonely, also.  I took care of my children today, and God knows and God willing, I will take care of my children if the day ever comes that I am entrusted with their very lives.  But I need to know that my administration and my school take this seriously, and that they will give me the security, reassurance, and leadership I need to be able to face that day if it comes. I need to know that special education will not make it so difficult to get help for disturbed and angry students.  I had a student several years ago who was very angry and wrote in his journal about blowing up the school. It was another year or two before he was placed in a special class. Another teacher friend of mine had a student who wrote about killing her. He left the school for a year and then returned to the classroom next to hers. Another teacher has a boy in her class right now who she is afraid of. The principal isn’t taking it seriously.

I have to know that my principal, my superintendent, my district, and my country have my back. Because when push comes to shove, I will be in the front line defending my children. And it could happen. It HAS happened. At Sandy Hook.

I know what my adminstration is thinking.  Let it go.  Let it go.  In a few weeks everyone will have forgotten about it.  It will never happen to us.  In my county, they have now buried the Sandy Hook story on page 2 of the paper!!! They can hide it all they want. No elementary school teacher will EVER forget Sandy Hook. Everything has changed.

Help me, help me with my little children.  Help us all.

Categories: Teaching | Leave a comment

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